As my husband left for work this morning, he said “Do things that make you feel good today. Don’t do things that make you feel bad.” I shouldn’t need this reminder. But as someone who dreamed of a productive Monday and then spent the entire day mindlessly playing Stardew Valley, feeling sorry for myself, never eating a full meal, and then spiraling over not having enjoyed my day (I’m clearly thriving post-layoff), it was a necessary thing to hear.
I’ve never been good at tempting myself with imaginary rewards — you’ll feel amaaaaaaaazing once that draft is done, you’ll feel amaaaaaaaazing if you go for a walk every day. In the moment, it’s tough for me to envision yet-to-be-experienced triumph and use it as meaningful motivation for personal goals I’m struggling to address. But on the flip side, I am very aware of what makes me feel bad.
Last year, I was feeling similarly aimless and uninspired. In an effort to break free from the inertia, I made a list essentially dividing my life into two categories — what aspects make me feel like I’m the kind of adult I want to be, and what aspects make me feel like I’m not? This wasn’t meant to be an exercise in roasting myself, but it was surprisingly helpful to see all of it plainly written out.
I wrote down a lot of big picture stuff that I am happy with — I have a very loving and fun marriage, I have a wonderful group of friends, I like the city I live in, I have a career I’m proud of (despite the current roadblock). I also noted smaller things that make me feel good. I like that I’m a good cook, I like that I see lots of live music and know a lot about movies, I like that I have finally stuck to a thoughtful skincare routine for the first time at age 29.
Then I wrote down what makes me feel bad. I feel bad when I go the whole day without reading. I feel bad when I pick at my nails instead of letting them grow. I feel bad when I toss clutter onto the guest bed instead of putting things in their rightful place. I feel bad when I drink too much or stay up too late or skip going on a walk. I feel bad when I don’t water the plants. I feel bad when I go a long time without discovering new music. These things are small, but they are what leave me feeling particularly messy, adrift, and incapable especially when bigger problems loom.
And that’s why I find the second half of my husband’s reminder ringing in my head today. “Don’t do things that make you feel bad.”
That framing feels easier to tackle right now than “Do things that make you feel good.” “You’ll feel uninspired if you don’t read today” means more to me at this moment than “You’ll be so happy when you finish this book.” “You’ll feel gross if you skip your walk” is more likely to get me out the door than “You’ll feel so energized when the walk is over,” even if both are true.
Is this the healthiest mindset to have? Maybe not! I’d like to do things purely for the joy they’ll bring instead of threatening myself with the unhappiness that will come if I skip them. But in my current rut, as I grasp for any semblance of motivation or routine outside of work, I find more success in problem-solving than in fantasizing. For now, I’ll yank weeds out of the garden so I can begin to plant later.
wow I love this 😭😭😭 and find it so relatable! why are we all so damn aware of the things that make us feel bad? if only we gave that much thought to the good days, good moments